My Year of Firsts & Never
May 07, 2025
Mother’s Day begins my year of firsts and never.
Sunday will be the first Mother’s Day since my mother made her transition on May 3rd.
I am sure I will be acutely aware that I will never again hear the joy in her voice as she would marvel and tell me, “You always find the most beautiful cards.”
The 5 weeks leading up to her death were the most beautiful, challenging, awe-inspiring, and exhausting I will most likely ever experience.
During that time, I cared for her on hospice in my home.
She arrived at my home on death’s doorstep. I honestly did not know if she would live through the night.
I was able to get her stabilized with lots of loving care and the help of hospice. She lived another 5 weeks.
Although her transition was imminent, we had some lovely moments together. She transitioned peacefully, knowing she was safe and loved.
It was the most beautiful and sacred thing I’ve ever experienced, and I know I will never be the same.
Holding space for her between two worlds as the veil got thinner until she finally crossed over made me think of the scripture where it was said: “remove your sandals because you are standing on Holy Ground.”
Make no mistake…it was physically, emotionally, and spiritually draining. Yet it was the greatest honor of my life.
So…
I will face this year of firsts covered with the residue of grace.
Sunday is my first Mother’s Day without her physical presence. Yet I still feel her near.
Monday is my Birthday…another first.
As for the never…
Never again will we laugh so hard that it leaves us breathless and in tears.
Never will I hear her tell me that I am her “velvet person” in a world of sandpaper people.
Never will we drink tea out of beautiful cups and talk for hours.
Never will I forget her and how far we came from her not knowing or understanding how to raise a creative free spirit like me.
It wasn’t all rainbows and unicorns for sure. Yet, she finally learned to appreciate, if not fully understand, the dreamer and creative unicorn who is her daughter.
And I learned to better understand the whys behind the fiercely determined and sometimes complicated woman she was.
And so, I will be present with all of this and more this year of Firsts & Never.
Knowing that I honored and served her well in creating a safe space, fully present with her as she hovered between two worlds.
Open to what she will continue to teach and reveal to me from the other side of the veil.
Grateful for love, guidance, and protection that never dies.
